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12 HOT WOMEN IS IN EPIC FILMMAKING CATEGORY
Deuce Bigalow
(EB) Newswick
****

Shlock. Sexploitation. Empowerment. Liberation. Words typically used at opposite ends of the spectrum, where ne'er the twain shall meet in a sentence. But in a strange alternate reality behind the silver screen, these concepts not only coexist, they complement each other. Russ Meyer understood this, and to this day he remains a true visionary, having crafted the classics that defined a new generation.

But it is a new millenium, and today his protege assumes the mantle.

Following the true masters of the film arts such as Russ Meyer, David F. Friedman and Buttman, who gave us true classics, director Alan Chan struggles against the shackles of political correctness to give us what we want - hot women. The hotter the woman, the better the film. The more women, the better the film. This week sees the premiere of Alan's latest labor of love, "12 Hot Women".

Alan Chan is a visionary. A true connoiseur of the film art. What he has carefully crafted in this instant classic is a true work of genius, a masterpiece of American filmmaking. It is an epic story of mythic proportions. 36-24-35 times twelve is pretty damn epic.

Who cares what the story is - a loosely crafted plotless movie about 12 hot women kicking ass as spies. I barely noticed. What I did notice is the the spectacular photography from co-DPs Clay Liford and Trent DiGuiglio. Complemented by superb makeup work from Janet Harris and guns from Weapon Specialist Toby Thomas, Clay and Trent transcends mortal photography to usher in a new generation of imaging - skin shots on steroids. The movie expertly treads between power moments like the gun battle in the South Pacific island of Kontituki and tender love scenes in the Omega jacuzzi. Truly it is amazing to watch a master director at work.

12 HOT WOMEN 12 TIMES BETTER THAN ANYTHING OUT THERE!
David Adamski
(EBB) Picayune Free Press
****

Over the course of my career I have seen a lot of movies. Some of them sucked. Others really sucked. A few were okay. Even fewer were good. None of them, however, is as good as 12 Hot Women.

I heard angels singing in the balcony, it was so good. I heard the crash of Heaven as Hell froze over. Cherubs lifted me from my seat as I drifted out the lobby after the movie - or maybe it the fat one I smoked. Either way, 12 Hot Women is the absolute best movie of the millenium, and you'd better believe it!

Directed by auteur filmmaker Alan Chan, "12 Hot Women" embodies the pure class struggle that the modern world faces today. A world torn apart by zealots and oppression, cast into the darkness of the soul that comes at the end of a long night of blinding dark. His characters are powerful and resilient, superheroes almost, who are here to save us from those who would be evil. It is a classic tale of female machismo. It's like everything you've ever watched in movies before, and at the same time it's like nothing you've ever seen. Alan's hot women have class - and there is massive magnitude more of them than ever before. If you thought Bosley had it good, this is Charlie's Angels times four. It's almost too much for the mortal man to take - but then again, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger..

Twelve women. Hot women. Secret agents for a crimefighting alliance known only as Omega Omega. A 'bonus chick' in the form of the Omega Omega Leader, known only as the mysterious Agent HBL. Asskicking. Gunfighting. Ferraris and jetskis and more. There's nothing else that a movie needs.


A 12 ON THE RICHTER SCALE
Egon McGinley
(SPP) Los Angeles Flark
*****

I love football. Sitting in the grandstand, surrounded by raving lunatics, yelling and cheering as the teams rush onto the field. The smell of beer and popcorn, beer and hot dogs, beer and whatever else. Cheerleaders in short skirts dancing their hearts out. Especially cheerleaders in short skirts dancing their hearts out. You could say I'm an all-American.

I know what I like. Fast cars and hot women. Especially hot women. I must've watched Tomb Raider a zillion times - watching Angelina Jolie dart in and out of trouble. That film is a classic. In fact, it was so good that I'd often wondered, late at night as I'm staring at my bedroom ceiling, whether it was possible to make a film even better than Tomb Raider.

Yesterday my questions were answered.

"12 Hot Women" is twelve times the Tomb Raider. This movie has EVERYTHING! Twelve hot secret agents form a supersecret organization called Omega something-or-other, whose job it is to fight bad guys and kick ass. And man do they kick ass! As the movie begins, Omega Omega discovers a dastardly plot by an evil megalomaniac bent on taking over the world, and they must defeat him. But the task is far from easy. The agents will need to jetski to the remote secret base, learn to fight in bikinis, and launch an armed assault while baring midriffs - it's an impossible mission with impossible odds, but the secret agents win through because they are HOT.

But that's not all. Not only is this movie great with beer (keggers in particular), it is also a CHICK MOVIE. Yes, you heard me right. A chick movie. In their infinite wisdom, the Producers have managed to infuse within this movie that mysterious something that draws chicks to movies. Maybe it's the empowerment. Maybe they secretly want to shoot big guns. Whatever it is, I don't pretend to know - I just know that after the screening as I interviewing the director, I was mobbed by thousands of nubile young women clamoring for my body.

So go see this movie! It opens this Friday night at JoeBob's Drive-in 6, and also at the multimultiplex down at Oakwood Mall. Bring a hot date (or not) and check out 12 HOT WOMEN!
12 HOT WOMEN: A SCORCHING MORALITY PLAY
By Jonathan Bee
(FL) Drake's Playhouse Quarterly
*****

Rarely does a film of this magnitude grace the movie screens of our great nation. Once again Director Alan Chan (of "Dark Universe" fame) summons forth his apocalyptic vision of a post-modernistic new world order into stunning reality. "12 Hot Women" is an externalized dramatization of a psychological and spiritual conflict - the battle between the forces of good and evil in the human soul. The stark contrast between the beauty of form and innocence and the wretched chaos of unadulterated evil is sure to overwhelm even the most cerebral of viewers.

However, to simply state that Chan has used the ageless vehicle of the morality play as canvas for his palette of didactic cinema and Technicolor wizardry would do it a great injustice. His use of exemplum and interlude to illuminate the juxtaposition of twelve aptronymic beauties against those who would bring an end to the very fabric of humanity is nothing less than sheer genius.

This epic tale is far more than mere allegory in action-packed dramatic form. It is a conflagration of raw imagery. It is a classic hero journey of Campbellian proportions. It is an insightful journey into the psychomachia that is everyman. It is exquisite dialogue and Oscar caliber acting. It is family entertainment at it's best. It is 12 Hot Women.